Wife 1.0 / Husband 1.0 Joke Variations

Wife 1.0 and Husband 1.0 jokes exist in dozens of variations all over the Internet. They have been termed "the best joke ever." They are funny because they reflect the all too familiar reality of how things might change for a couple after marriage. Here are some of the Wife 1.0 / Husband 1.0 jokes rewritten for your entertainment.

Last year a friend of mine (let's call him Greg) upgraded GirlFriend 2.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory eater that leaves very little system resources for other applications.

After a year of using the software, he is also beginning to notice that Wife 1.0 is spawning child-processes which are further increasing the consumption of valuable resources. No mention of this behavior is made in the documentation of the product, though other users have educated Greg that this phenomenon is not uncommon due to the nature of the Wife 1.0 application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 is always launched at system initialization to monitor all other system activity. Greg is experiencing problems with some other applications such as PokerNight 9.3, BeerBash 4.5, and PubNight 8.0, as these can no longer run in the system, crashing to desktop whenever selected (even though they always worked fine before).

During installation, Wife 1.0 doesn't ask you whether you want to install certain undesired plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. In my opinion these should be optional, but in the current release they are not, causing system performance to fall with each passing day.

The features Greg would like to see in the future Wife 2.0 version:

• "Don't remind me again." button
• minimize button
• install shield option allowing for the installation of Wife 2.0 with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources
• option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" to make the systems hardware probe feature more usable.

There is also an undocumented bug. Greg tried to install the Mistress 1.0 application before uninstalling Wife 1.0 and important MSMoney files got deleted from the system before the uninstall itself could occur. Next thing he knew, Mistress 1.0 refused to install due to lack of sufficient resources.

You can avoid the above inconvenience, by installing Mistress 1.0 on a different system and never running any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, be advised that similar shareware applications have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. You could also try running Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Again, do not forget the risk of viruses which can sinisterly download from the UseNet.

Having learned from Greg's experience, I decided to avoid causing myself the headaches associated with associated with Wife 1.0 and stick with Girlfriend 1.0 instead. Even with Girlfriend 1.0, however, I have encountered many problems.

It appears that you can't install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0 without uninstalling Girlfriend 1.0 first. More experienced users suggest this is a long standing bug, which I should have known about. It appears the different versions of Girlfriend conflict over shared use of the I/O port. One would think such a stupid bug would have been fixed by now. To complicate matters further, you cannot uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 without leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Also be warned that seemingly all versions of Girlfriend keep on popping up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I made the mistake of upgrading from Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and began seeing unexpected results. The program began spawning child processes that used up a lot of space and valuable system resources. In the product brochure I couldn't read anything on this issue.

In addition to this, Wife 1.0 installed itself into most, if not all, other programs and now launches during system initialization to monitor all other system activity.

My favorite applications such as Pokernight 9.3, Drunken Boys Night 3.5 and Saturday Football 4.0 no longer seem to run, crashing the system whenever executed. Also, I'm unable to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while trying to run some of other important applications. I have tried to revert back to Girlfriend 6.0, but the uninstall also doesn't seem to work on this program.

Please, help!
Thanks, Bart

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Dear Bart,

We often see this misconception about Wife 1.0. The problem is that many people upgrade from Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a entertainment software. Others think it's a utilities application. The truth is, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and has been designed to run everything.

Purging Wife 1.0 and converting back to Girlfriend 6.0 is not an option, because hidden operating files within the system would cause Girlfriend 6.0 to emulate Wife 1.0. Once installed, these files are impossible to uninstall or delete. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 6.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do that. Also, some experienced users have attempted to install Girlfriend 7.0 or Wife 2.0 just to end up with more problems than what the original system had caused them.

My advice to you is to keep Wife 1.0 and try to live with it. Look into your manual under "Warnings - Maintenance / Child Support".

A few tips:

• Installing background application program "C:\yes dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
• Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I also recommend your reading the whole section on General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You agreed to assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.
• The best way to deal with these is by entering the command "C:\I appologize".
• Don't use "yes dear" excessively, because in the end you'll end up having to use the "I apoolgize" command before the operating system will return to normal.
• You can prevent all the above inconveniences by simply taking the blame for all GPFs. The system will run smoothly as long as this is happening.
• Keep in mind that Wife 1.0 is a great program; it's just very high maintenance.
• Try buying and installing additional pieces of software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0., such as Flowers 7.2 and Diamonds 4.0.
• Install Secretary In Short Skirt 1.0 under no circumstances install. It's not supported by the operating system and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the system.
  
  Best regards,
  Tech Support

Dear Technical Support,

Last year I decided to upgrade from Boyfriend 4.0 to Husband 1.0. As soon as I did that I noticed a distinct slow-down in overall system performance, especially in the flower and jewelry applications that had worked awesomely under Boyfriend 4.0. In addition, the new software started making unexpected and unwelcome changes to the accounting modules.

Also, Husband 1.0 automatically uninstalled many valuable applications, such as Romance 8.5, Quality Time 10.2 and Personal Attention 7.5 to free up space for undesirable ones such as NFL 6.0, NBA 4.5, and Golf Clubs 2.0.

The programs Conversation 10.0 and Housecleaning 4.5 crash the system to desktop whenever executed, and Nagging 7.3 no longer fixes these problems.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Signed,
Desperate

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Dear Desperate,

We would like to remind you that Boyfriend 4.0 is an entertainment package, whereas Husband 1.0 is a complete Operating System.

To resolve your problems, please enter the command: "C:/I thought you loved me." and try downloading and installing Tears 1.2. Also, it's useful to install the Guilt 4.0 update.

If the above works out, Husband 1.0 should spontaneously run the applications Jewelry 7.0 and Flowers 13.0. But be forewarned that overuse of the above techniques may cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 1.0, Happy Hour 7.2 or Beer 5.0. Beer 5.0 in particular is a very bad application that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta to your system.

A few more warnings: do not install Mother-in-law 1.0, as it runs a viral process in the background and will eventually take over all system resources. Also, do not try to reinstall Boyfriend 4.0 as it is now an unsupported application causing Husband 1.0 to crash.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Buying additional software, such as Food 4.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7, may improve memory and performance considerably.

Good Luck,
Tech Support